How to Be a Boy: Conversations with Men

Tender hosts important panel discussion on masculinity

Male violence against women and girls is a widespread issue, and harmful rhetoric about masculinity continues to gain traction among young men. So, we have to ask: What does it mean to be a boy today? And how can we support boys and young men in building confidence, compassion, and healthier attitudes?

These were the key questions explored at Tender’s panel discussion, held at the Leathersellers’ Company in London. The event brought together Tender supporters and a panel of experts who shared their insights on what it means to be a man in today’s world and how we can change the narrative for future generations. Discussions covered the challenges boys and young men face in a world shaped by influencers and identity politics, and how our views of masculinity have shifted throughout history.

The panel featured:

Nazir Afzal OBE, former Chief Crown Prosecutor and Chief Executive of the UK’s Police & Crime Commissioners. His prosecutions, including the so-called Rochdale grooming gang and BBC presenter Stuart Hall, have changed the landscape of child protection.
Dan Snow, author, broadcaster and presenter of the podcast History Hit.
Jermaine Gayle, educationist and Assistant Principal at St Mary Magdalene Church of England School. Watch Jermaine in action via the Evening Standard.
Tiernan Brady, campaigner and Global Director of Diversity and Inclusion at Clifford Chance.

The panel was facilitated by Tender’s CEO, Susie McDonald, while Tender’s Patron, Olivia Colman, delivered closing remarks.

Susie McDonald, said:
‘When we talk about domestic abuse and sexual violence, there can be a tendency to think about boys and men either as perpetrators or not part of the conversation at all. At Tender, we have always worked to engage with men and boys, include them in conversations and give them the space to consider the role that they can play in ending violence against women and girls. We will keep working to create spaces like this, where we can talk openly, challenge stereotypes, and promote positive change — until we end abuse.’

Here’s a glimpse of some of the powerful messages shared:

‘When you go to school, that desire to fit in means that you end up bonding over things that are perceived as what you want because it is what you have seen others do. How do we get young people to start accepting that vulnerability is normal? Is just teaching them to understand that is an ok thing to feel. Once you open that door, you start to empathize and be who you really are.’ – Jermaine Gayle
‘Time and time again women are the victims of male violence. Unless you do call out, they will assume that you agree with them. We as men have a responsibility to be calling out, supporting, empowering, encouraging. There are loads of phenomenal men who are doing great work in this field, there is an issue around networking and sharing best practice’. – Nazir Afzal OBE
‘We get to choose culture. That’s the exciting thing about being a human being. We get to decide what that dominant culture is going to be. Let’s redefine what we all think we are. Violence is cultural, violence is learned.’ – Dan Snow
‘You need to meet people where they are. There is not only one frame if you are going to try and talk to 4 billion men and young men. You have find out the value frame within that community that you are targeting, so they can see they can be who they are, be proud of who they are, and take the next step into being what we want them to be.’ – Tiernan Brady

The event sparked a lot of thought and conversation, with many attendees feeling inspired to continue challenging outdated norms and fostering more inclusive, supportive spaces for young men to grow.